R.I.U.T

But if I let you go

your actions never justify your feelings. your actions only confuse me. 

when i wanted to let go of you, you came to me, broken.
when i wanted to let go of you, you came to me, caring for me.
when i wanted to let go of you, you came to me, and showed me love.
when i wanted to let go of you, you came to me, whenever I wanted you there.
when i wanted to let go of you, you came to me, and made me feel special.
when i wanted to let go of you, you came to me, redeeming yourself. 
when i wanted to let go of you, you came for me, had me thinking that I shouldn't have.
but
when i decided to hold on to you, you disappointed me
and you hurt me.
but sadly, you never knew,
you never realize any of it.

the randomt things i like

i like to be busy but i like to be lazy too i like it when adrian picked me up from the bus station at 2am and offered to carry my bag pack for me when i didn't need him to i like talking to wei loon i like it that john and navin drove down to subang just to gave me a beautiful 21st i like netball trainings and catching the balls i like it more when we won 2nd place i like it when my classmates all came to support the communication school team i like leonard's poem about me  i like how zhen yang called me to make sure i don't fall asleep when i drove back to taiping i like it that vasenta sabesha and lehbin always laugh and joke around about everything i like how the 4 of us always stay up late and  make sure we don't fall asleep doing assignments i like how mayling, maykhei & keifoong tricked me into a birthday surprise i like all my birthday surprises this year i like how david always tells me i dont want to talk to you dy and always end up talking to me again i like that amon finds it comfortable telling me about his background i like that dionne and evonne helped me with peeling of the oranges and carrying that packet of ice i like how neha esme dinusha sweat their buttocks out to help out with the fund raising i like how god is always so timely in providing me i like my cell members a lot i like to sing and play the piano i like that thing zhen yang gave me so that i can play the keyboard i like my mom's rendang chicken i like my dimples i like my new campus i like alex's positive transformation i like winning i like murmuring i like playing with babies i like it if i have a new laptop and a new phone i like my church i sometimes like my dreams i like running around i like baking i like sleeping. 

but i don't like it that you are no more in my life. i don't like it that the best choice is the worst choice that i had to make. 6 years ago, you were there. this year you became my stranger. i don't like it that i have to lie how i don't miss you, because i do.

 

my name my name!! :D

 

some of the people whom I dearly treasure :) 

the half of the people i dearly treasure

& i am missing michelle chun & edmund here.

 the perak kakis whom i love deeply.

 the netball teams :)

In the last month, these *points above* happened.

While October gets scarier & scarier.

that new chapter

and this was how i am reminded of them
... so far.

i can never stop staring at their mesmerizing eyes... i really liked how they brightened up each time they smile, simply because everyone looks their best when they do so. even with those crooked teeth, they still look pretty & of course cute ;) and the dimple, you ask? steam la...nevertheless, a smile is the most beautiful accessories anyone can wear. mostly, i like it if i can make you smile. and by you, i meant everyone of you :)

my trip with them has brought me so much closer to them. i like how they can joke and kid about each other and laughed about it. i remember how serene and calvin tried to teach me play monopoly cards while siewmin and chinway went out to tapao satay babi for us. satay babi is really the best satay ever bytheway. i like how david would kindly asked me for my share of durian puffs because ihatedurians. then serene who would never let david eat more durian puffs will start fighting for the puffs. then david, rachel, and serene fought over my share of durian puffs because they simply think that durian puffs are the best food ever created. and i sat from across the sofa and watched them fight over... puffs. -.-'

its even funnier to look at stephanie's expression when i go crazy in front of her. then it always lead her to saying i feel like smacking this girl to me. but i know, she loves how i always act like siaopo. stephanie sleeps a lot too, and you can tell when she is really sleepy. haha. and then david has the cutest crooked teeth, and a mild dimple when he smiles. the whole house echoes whenever he laughs. things get even funnier when calvin starts telling us his lame jokes which he thinks is super funny but its not cause it only made all of us go whattheheck.. and if you think it ends there, no it doesn't. because people like david would high five-ed him and thinks calvin is the man. its hilarious, really. then we have our sweet-loving rachel who laughs at anything, and her adorable giggle always fills the place with even more joy. oh my god, how can we forget this about serene, the all-germ-free woman. haha. she is such a neat freak that i think only rachel could be her roommate til today.haha. but then again, where would we get our sanitizers without our dear serene? :)

i don’t think i could i ever forget siewmin's dimple. the tiniest movement, or the tiniest twitch on her face would just carved that dimple which made her look so sweet and lovable. it's impossible to not like her. siewmin took care of us so well that she was afraid that we weren't having fun at all. instead, we did :) thanks minmin! then we have chinway, who tweets a lot and talks a lot and disturbs me a lot, especially in cinemas =.-' sometimes, i really want to smack him. haha. chinway's small eyes are really small that he beat me, flat. haha. it's hilarious to even glance at his expression whenever calvin tells us his lame jokes, because chinway is definitely one guy who cannot handle lamenesss. of course, joan. the girl with an eating disorder, because she couldn't stop eating. if you think serene can eat a lot, think again. because no one beats joan and stephanie when it comes to eating. they ate non-stop!! i felt like puking watching them eating so constantly. haha. joan is one malaysian chick who wishes she was korean instead. she has a thing for koreans and she speaks koreans like we were koreans. lol. and then sometimes, david talks like he arises from some samseng clan, ghetto or kongsi gelap group, that from his way of speaking, you might think that he wants to pick a fight with you. that's why we have serene who blatantly scolds him and shuts him up till he crawl to his corner and merajuks there *applause to serene*

 

and then, we have jaysern who didn’t want to join us. blah lah you. jaysern argues with me a lot- likereallyalot and he always presumes that he won but he didn’t! bleks :P and oh our abang raymond, the best gentleman i have ever witnessed in my life. seriously, he is the combination of all gentlemen in this world. we girls always love how thoughtful and gentleman-ly he is. Haha. then we have terri & ian whom i haven’t spent much time with yet because they selalu m.i.a. But they are funny people too. Haha. terri calls me meiling i don’t know why but socuteright. therefore, we always have our imaginarymeiling conversation. haha And i think ian speaks with an accent, which doesn’t sound annoying at all. I kinda like it actually . certainly, i didn't forget sharon, sarah & zhi mei too, & i definitely want to know more about them :)

and these were what i saw and how i felt,
from the inside out.

Photos: credits to chinway

i want you to know that, i love you.

my holidays are coming to an end :(  i must say, i really enjoy my mid-semester break this time. it feels... refreshingly different. having different groups of people to hang out with, meeting new friends, letting go the old, going to same places with different people... sighs. holidays are good, because you only live, eat and grow fat :) well, this time around, my holidays are actually fully utilized as compared to my previous times. I have traveled so many times in a week that i am sick of it. Nevertheless, it was really worth it. I wouldn't miss the opportunity to bond and build new relationship or even strengthen the old ones, because I simply love each and every one of them.

Anyways, the fact that I love my cell group members a lot, I have chose to spend my Raya with them. We made a trip to Malacca and I must say, I treasure each and everyone of them so much. Thank you, e7 for giving me the chance to be apart of you and for accepting me :) You people brought so much joy and laughter to me, that my eyes grew smaller & smaller. God loved me so much that he placed me there, with you people :)

& then of course I love how much closer I've become to all my high school friends who I've been befriended for years. Every yum char session with them made me feel more connected to them & had me discover something new about them. I really like it when all of us always sit and talked bout the past, make fun of it and then realize all stupid things we once did. I liked it when we talked bout fights long time ago, our bitching sessions and even our crush on this boy or that girl. I really liked it :) It made me treasure every single one of you even more, it made me love you much deeper, it made me feels like I am really blessed that God had placed me at the right place. Every friendship, every bonding sessions I've made are all dear and special to me that I wouldn't want to replace any of you. & that is why I remember most of the things we shared, promises we've made, and little secrets we swore to hid for the rest of our lives. this is why i have always boldly tell you people that i love you, because i really do and i want all of you to know that :)

And to some, I have chose to ignore and slowly let go. Life is definitely too short for me to linger on, waiting for you to at least remember that I was your friend & pretend that I still want to honor you, and treat you like before. I am moving on & letting go because today, you have shown me that you have never taken me seriously or even bothered. You're not a terrible friend altogether, but maybe, we have different needs. What you think is right, sounded completely wrong to me, what you see is real, looked completely awful to me and what you believe was the truth, I believed otherwise. We are lucky that we were once so close, and we have put up with each other for such long years. As we drifted apart and allow time to fill in the gap in between, our friendship slowly falls apart too. You've changed & I certainly did too. I guess this time around, we have problems accepting the change we had within ourselves. Or maybe, we are just too tired to just fight for this relationship anymore, because every fight we made are just pointless. Well, I know I do feel that way.  You've took me for granted, you treated me as a joke, you lied to me, you replaced me. I wouldn't blame you. Because at least now I know that that's the end of the friendship, and hopefully a better, new beginning will commence. Hence, to you people, a toast for the great friendship we once had :)

iLearn

i am really awed and filled with my highest gratitude to God that every single morning, i am still alive. really, i am. if you must know, the fact that my asthma now has the slimmest chance of  getting cured entirely had taught me not to live my life, wasted. i have been constantly reminding myself to live my life the fullest and mostly, no regrets. i am tired of walking way with so many regrets that persistently haunts me. hence, few months ago, I have decided to take hold of my life. And with God, everything seems so easy :)

if you love someone, show it. hence, i do. and when i say i do, it doesn't mean that i display an entire scenery of public display affection for the world to see. what i meant was, if you love someone or if you care for someone, show and prove it to them. loving was never a crime, even if it involves a broken heart. loving is a gift and to be loved is of course, true happiness. show that person that you care for 'em and that you love 'em. everyone loves to be loved, so love 'em. stop wasting your emotions and feelings judging someone and criticizing them. even if that someone is a cold-hearted, bitter, ignorant person, love 'em. it is people like them that haven't realize how warm a genuine love can feels that they have built a wall, shielding themselves away from the world and developed that cold personality. the colder someone is, the warmer you should become. people needs to know that there are still people who care for them and love them. and the only way for them to find out is, through your actions and your words. prove it, show it, say it.

i am not asking you to force yourself to 'love' someone. do it a step at a time. forgive yourself and the people around you. stop judging em, but rather accept who they are and what they have to offer. a genuine true love, doesn't expects. they honestly give, they honestly love. and all this is because they  sincerely want to. 

at least i know it's because i want to.
:)

i am learning and trying to be the best of a person i can be everyday. i learn to listen instead of hearing, i learn to understand instead of seeing, i learn to accept instead of judging.

i really do not want my life to end without giving, loving, helping, learning & understanding our own species. who else would love if its not us human? i really care and love 'em all; from my family to mr.sangkar who works at the digital store :)

every morning I wake up feeling grateful and blessed with what I have, where I am, and the great people I met in my life.
 
pastor's words can never be any more true.

always learn to love without demanding and forgive without expecting.

this is only half of the crazy bunch

suffocate v.2

i am down with fever, flu, sore throat, and cough. worst still, my asthma came back again. i knew my asthma came back because i started sweating cold sweats and often pant rapidly each time i climbed up that flight of stairs. my lips cracked and i look like i haven't been sleeping at all. because every night, i am barely breathing.

this shucks. like totally. and its humiliating. fortunately, no one actually takes my blog seriously and i definitely feel comfortable telling it to someone, well whoever you may be, why hello there :) my fellow existing friends who still read this blog, don't worry lah. chill chill nie k. haha. anyways, of course my mom was worried sick about me and my condition. i face breathing difficulties and i experience suffocation. of course, i am scared! every night,i wonder will i make it till morning comes? will i be able to sustain myself that long? i will never stop coughing. i breathe harder than anyone else. and when i can't breathe anymore, i use my inhaler. and if the inhaler doesn't work, i'll be admitted to the hospital.

so what, life still goes on. not like if i mourn and wept myself to bed every night, i'll get better. if im awake the next day, i thank God & the best i can do is to live that day to the fullest, & of course finished up that pile of joyful assignments. blergh. *stares*

 

well, even if i doesn't make it the next day, at least i know i die trying (wah, that line so cheesy) & i love God, my family, my best friends, my friends, my church, my cell members, my pastor, my dog, my...

aiyo, don't worry la.
Chill k. haha.

boys & supper

k : you know not. you give girls a lot of wrong signals. that's why girls all like you. you dam clever to flirt lor.

c : what. where got. i where got give signals. i dont know how to flirt ok. normal la. not my fault leh they like me. 

k : got la. come, bring your phone here. 

*k & m read through his sms-es*

k : see see. you some more write 'hehe'. wah! some more ask like this.........yada yada...

m : *looks at k* eh. not his fault la he's good at flirting. don't blame him like that. he got natural talent okayy. i know la you tak siok he more terror than you. dont blame him, dont blame him. *pats k shoulders* :)

c :  HAHAHA. OOO. THATS WHY LAR. HAHA.

m : HAHA.

k : YES LAH. >.<

this is what i call pro.
:)

i-see-t

                           

sorry lah bro

sorry lah. i'm back to blogspot.
when i see read people's blog from blogspot, i siok blogspot and forgot bout my tumblr.
so now,  i am reopening my blogspot.

sorry lah k.
hahas.

Chace me please

I have always been a fan of Gossip Girl ever since Season 1, which would be 3 years ago? Despite that the show is sometimes corrupted, twisted and how several episodes could be overrated at times, I must say I am still a fan. I don't know. There's this force, or something that desires me to go on and finish episodes after episodes. Maybe its because Gossip Girls never fails to portray the high-end fashion taste in every outfit that hung upon the frame of those actors and actresses. Nevertheless, the script and writers performed an illustrious, splendid job. Well, if you minus some of the unnecessary plots and absurdly ridiculous dramas. Overall, I think it's not bad. Beautiful people, great script, twisted plot. Those are the primary ingredients for a good drama, no? 

Blair and Chuck have always been my favorite characters. Sometimes Lily Bass too, because she portrays such a kindred, fashionista mother image altogether, in a package. And she is one hot mama, right?! Season 2 was a disaster, I must say. And then the show accelerated and Season 3 became more exhilarating. Mainly, because Chuck and Blair are finally together, after two seasons. and every other characters in the show grows along; Jenny becomes the delusional, mean Queen of Constance,  and Serena's never-ending love issues with every man she laid her eyes on. Also, season 3 became more favorable due to the fact that the writers drew this pleasant relationship; intertwining both Blair's and Chuck's personalities to play a humorous iloveyou-but-youcancheatonme relationship. Besides that, Blair's raw perkiness whereby she constantly exaggerates her speech and gestures without realizing it, simply makes her more adorable and lovable. As for Chuck, he became a man of words. He knows what to say, each time. The writers really did an admirable job in transforming Chuck the rascal, playboy into this dashing, likable, charming, matured man. His words are like a broom, because they swept me off my feet. *raise eyebrows*

 

Nate's character on the hand, sometimes appears to be just a distraction. The prominence of his character carefully fades. However, his physical charm doesn't. The fact that his character is slowly slipping away, captivated me even more. I started paying attention to him and realized that he obtain such handsome features! So good looking! I know, there are tonnes of girls who would probably kill my by now for my major flung in noticing this dashing, flamboyant gentleman. I am sometimes, too slow. He gets cuter, I admit. He got the looks. But Chuck got the charm.

Sometimes, I get undecided when I watch the show. For now, I am all out for Chace Crawford who played Nathaniel Archibald. Hee.
So handsome lah, how to resist.

One word, STEAM.

Rewind to the 80's

Murai's 2nd Anniversary Party. The theme allocated was Fabulous 80's. I was part of the crew. You know, cause I am interning with Astro and all. Well, I dolled myself up with a black puffy short dress, leggings and a pair of stilettos to complete the entire outfit. Black will always be the color to go, for me. I know, it's the 80's and I have to dress overly colorful. Well, rule number one about me is that I never obey the rules :) So to speak, everyone dress their best, that night. As for the celebrities. they looked stunningly beautiful, as they strut their ways on the red carpet. Truth be told, my knowledge on these local celebrities, are zero. Nada. Even after they walked in and they introduced themselves to me and vice versa, and we snap a few pictures and chit chat like friends. I still have no clue.

And so I randomly asked Ika, my colleague.

"Eh kenapa saya tak nampak budak hensem semua ni kat office kita. Mana tempat diorang?"

"Memang la tak pernah lihat kat office. Itu celebrity la, sepet."

"Celebrity? Eh kenapa tak cakap. Eish. I buat malu lar macam nie."

That, was how I found out.
The rest of the pictures are on facebook, fyi :)

Ariel.

Alif from One in A Million.

 Aijeb!

 Linda Onn.

Zoey.

 Ziana Zain

and my red carpet moment with that she-male model.

Ops Diva

Illustrated by good friend, Leonard.

Fantabulous :)

Bravo buddy.

You did good.

You are now qualified to draw a full portrait of me.

V_V

Blogspot, AGAIN?

Okay. Let's not entirely kill this old chap. This blog, I mean.

I shall handle both blogs. Okay? Hopefully :)

...I am slowly losing my wonders in writing. It's been far too long since I had ever posted anything lengthy. The newly born Tumblr isn't exactly helping. Hello, I can just surf through thousands of blogs and click 'Reblog' onto any posts I find amusing! It's that simple. Of course I rarely write anymore. I like how words obtain such strong capability to construe and narrate each particular details, each picture and that very feeling you affront. A pen is indeed mightier than a sword.

I am excited that 2010 commenced. Everyone deserves a new beginning, no? 2009 was not one of the best years I had. If I would to weigh the awesome and anguishing moments I encountered in that year, the anguishing fucked up moments win hands down. More reasons for me to flush 2009 down the drain.

 

Dear 2010,

Please treat me well. I promise I'll be good, and I'll minimize the swearing :)

Love always,

Yen.