Teardrops on My Guitar

I cried today. Yes, I broke down. I couldn't hold it any longer.
It's too much. My concentration was wild, and I couldn't think straight.
I want to be there for him so badly. I miss him terribly, desperate to see his pale face and thinning hair, his slightly plump body, his loud and hoarse voice, him feeding and forcing me down with food.
I might be slightly, or overly enveloped with emotions right now, but.. I can't help it.

And thanks Dionne, Leonard and Akil for surprising me with the cupcakes just to cheer me up.
I really deeply appreciated it. Thanks to the cupcakes, now I have to work twice the effort in the gym. But, this calories are worth burning :)

Oh, my results were terrible.
Although, I studied hard.
Yeah, you will say "You didn't study hard enough yada yada yada..."
All I know is, I am not and will never be the bright one.
This reality just dooms me even more.
Every sweat and hardship I poured in is often repays with disappointment and anguish.
At this very moment, I hate everything that circles in my life.

And I thought by hitting the gym today, I'll feel better.
And yes I did, only during mt 1 1/2 half of hours in there.
The running and sweating make me forget about my frustrations for a moment.
Only for that very moment.
I wanted it to last. So I ran longer. I ran till my legs can take no more.
And then I return to this horrendous world of mine.
The aches my body feels is indescribable, but nothing hurts more than the wound in my heart.

All this negative emotions of mine made me miss my mom.
And to know that she is all alone at home without dad and brothers, facing and working all herself, having meals by herself, worries me even more.
Last late night, Dad and brothers dropped by my place and we had a late dinner together.
They were on their way to visit grandpa. The only place I wish I could be right now.
Mom, being a sweetheart as always, baked me my favorite bread pudding, hand it to Dad, and he gave it to me.
Love you mom.
Although dinner with dad and bros were only for a while, it made me feel content. I felt good.
Since everything in my life is going haywire right now, a dinner with someone I truly love is just what I needed.
and after 45 minutes, I was back to my nightmare.


I want to only wake up to the sound of his music.
love you Granpa.